heart of darkness

i'm having a really hard time not writing blog posts about writing blog posts. rationally, this seems like a lame thing to do. it's like watching the preview channel--a tv channel that's totally dedicated to other things you could be watching right now. i end up watching the preview channel when: (a) i am on vacation--the only time i don't have to settle for broadcast tv; and (b) the vacation has gone so badly that there's nothing to do except watch tv and desite having 900 channels, the best thing on is the preview channel.

nevertheless, 9 times out of 10 i have to fight not to write some kind of commentary on what it's like to sit down and think about the process of writing a blog entry. my mind says "cut it out, loser, this is stupid," and most of the time that's the end of it. but sometimes my heart says, "shut up mind. you can't even do math." this is a low blow, because my heart knows my mind is sensitive about its math skills--most socks are better at math than my mind is. but this typically gets my mind to slink off into a corner to sulk, and my heart gets total blogging freedom.

when that happens, my blog posts become this hybridized first-draft, controlled stream-of-consciousness, journaling kind of thing. writing that way opens the door to whatever my heart is mulling over at the moment, which lately tends to be writing. and since my major writing outlet right now is the blog, that's what i end up writing about. i don't know if that's bad or good. probably bad because i don't have a ton of readers. but it's good for my heart, because i really enjoy it, and my heart needs more good things.

but sigh. i'm starting to bore myself. my mind has stopped sulking in its pity corner and it's sending out loud signals that it wants a new distraction. so this post is over. mercifully. and satisfyingly.